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in case we get locked from the comms;

[cicatrize]

[[ original thread on gdocs + thread on duplo logs ]]

[ bucky pulls back and jack's still pushing, shoulders curling in, hands on his arms curling fingers in tight and pull at him, head trying to duck forward and capture his lips again and cut off any kind of discussion. he isn't fast enough, or strong enough, and the question ends up a firm interruption, jack blinking back to bucky's eyes.

why?

he doesn't want to think about why. he just wants to do it, follow the urge until it's snuffed out, not think about where it came from or where it's going or what the consequence of it are, he just wants, and isn't that the point of this place? want and take? ]

I miss you. [ jack tells him eventually, and it isn't a lie. he does miss him. he aches for him, for the way they were before the fort, for everything bucky usually is for him, but it's been twisted since then, and jack can't tell if the vitriol he feels for it is safe enough to indulge without risking it splash back to bucky, and poison them both further. so it's this - violence towards them, nothing but a fierce want and desire for bucky. if he goes fast enough, hard enough, maybe that'll burn away the rest of it. ] And I need it.

Now.

[ before what's built up in his head explodes into something else. help him get lost from it. ]

[freightcars]

[ It sinks into his bones, those words, I miss you and I need it. Wraps around him on the inside and squeezes the life out of him, some mix of pain and pleasure, the want to give but one foot firmly rooted in logic.

Flesh fingers ghost along Jack's jaw, giving him something if perhaps not exactly what he's asking for. He thumbs along Jack's lips, then slips his fingers into Jack's hair. ]

You haven't put a hand on me since the fort, now we're surrounded by goddamn corpses and you wanna pretend like this is normal? Like this is what we are?

[ It's not. They're not rooted in violence and darkness, even if they both err that way sometimes. That's not what he wants them to be, though.

That's not what Steve would want them to be. ]

I wanna give you what you want, but I want you to be okay more than that. I wanna talk about what happened.

[cicatrize]

[ bucky squeezes tight to him, and it isn't exactly what he wanted, makes him feel more than he'd been aiming for, but its better than the feeling he'd had in him, for a brief few seconds, and jack ducks his face in against bucky's neck, nudging against the scruff. or, tries to, but he's pulled back at a distance, fingers brushing over his jaw, rough pad of bucky's thumb on his lips, hands pushing back into his hair. soft, sweet things they do in bed, or on the couch, the room quiet aside from some white noise from a fan, a radio or a TV.

jack's adam's apple bobs as he swallows, tension immediately strung through him, before he glances to the side, turning his head in bucky's hands to look over at the 'surrounded by goddamn corpses' issue. not really normal, is it? no, of course not, and he'd known that when he did it. his eyes linger over the broken, lifeless bodies. ]

I feel... powerful.

[ maybe that was the idea. maybe normal has been entirely too vulnerable for him. violence and darkness have been the only things that have protected him from wounds like this, or, at least, so jack tells himself. jack sinks in, hands creeping up bucky's chest as he leans against him. ]

Imagine if I could do this in Shiloh. David, my parents, the entire city would be nothing compared to me. The pain, the loss, the humiliation - I could've skipped all of it. [ jack's voice is a quiet murmur, but there's something desperate with it, something fragile. he swallows, eyes glancing down, the last one said softer. ] If I could've had it in the forest.

[ he could've saved the both of them. held bucky back until the drug left him, or at least until jack could calm down enough to accept what they needed to do. to give something more like consent than eventual surrender. ]

I'll be okay when I can't have it taken from me anymore.