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[cicatrize]

[ bucky squeezes tight to him, and it isn't exactly what he wanted, makes him feel more than he'd been aiming for, but its better than the feeling he'd had in him, for a brief few seconds, and jack ducks his face in against bucky's neck, nudging against the scruff. or, tries to, but he's pulled back at a distance, fingers brushing over his jaw, rough pad of bucky's thumb on his lips, hands pushing back into his hair. soft, sweet things they do in bed, or on the couch, the room quiet aside from some white noise from a fan, a radio or a TV.

jack's adam's apple bobs as he swallows, tension immediately strung through him, before he glances to the side, turning his head in bucky's hands to look over at the 'surrounded by goddamn corpses' issue. not really normal, is it? no, of course not, and he'd known that when he did it. his eyes linger over the broken, lifeless bodies. ]

I feel... powerful.

[ maybe that was the idea. maybe normal has been entirely too vulnerable for him. violence and darkness have been the only things that have protected him from wounds like this, or, at least, so jack tells himself. jack sinks in, hands creeping up bucky's chest as he leans against him. ]

Imagine if I could do this in Shiloh. David, my parents, the entire city would be nothing compared to me. The pain, the loss, the humiliation - I could've skipped all of it. [ jack's voice is a quiet murmur, but there's something desperate with it, something fragile. he swallows, eyes glancing down, the last one said softer. ] If I could've had it in the forest.

[ he could've saved the both of them. held bucky back until the drug left him, or at least until jack could calm down enough to accept what they needed to do. to give something more like consent than eventual surrender. ]

I'll be okay when I can't have it taken from me anymore.