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ᴛʜᴇ ᴡɪɴᴛᴇʀ sᴏʟᴅɪᴇʀ ([personal profile] freightcars) wrote2018-06-20 01:47 pm
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ic contact; duplicity




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[personal profile] ex_this_ismydesign36 2018-10-24 02:58 am (UTC)(link)
[ Taking his glass, Will was already indulging in a healthy swallow before Bucky had finished talking. Setting the glass down, respectful of the amount of alcohol in it, he folded his hands around the highball and began to slowly turn it, making the amber liquid swirl. ]

An eventful month and a half. [ Will amended. ] Between the shock of finding ourselves here, the designations, the orientation, the bracelets ... [ Will made a rolling gesture with one hand to signify the rest of it. ] It's been one psychological game after the other.

This is not the most stable of environments. [ Or healthy, but Will didn't expect he needed to point that out. ] And you four are not the most stable of individuals.

[ Perhaps a dangerously blunt thing to say, but Will says it and owns the words with a direct look into Barnes' eyes. He's even removed his glasses, folding them up and hanging them off his shirt; apparently a habit of his. ]

Is it so surprising that you've developed a sense of need around one another?

[ Tapping one long finger on the glass, Will considered his next words carefully. He weighed the images that flared within his mind's eye, threatening to overwhelm the reality that was Barnes sitting right across from him. Faces and voices, little bits of evidence picked up across the network. Bigger pieces of evidence drawn from his own personal encounter with this man.

The images lay atop one another, conversations that were never spoken aloud, echoing in his head, almost drowning out the din of the saloon.

When Will managed to sort his way to the functional side of the cacophony he raised his eyes back to Bucky's. ]


Jack is a submissive psyche, trying to function in a Dominant's person suit. TJ is someone who is used to being second best when it comes to love. You can see it in the way he carefully marks that he's neither you nor Jack.

Steve is trying to hang on to the past. For some reason it's safe for him back there, in a way that the present doesn't offer.

[ He wasn't sure of the details there, but every instinct he owned screamed this at him. ]

And you're trying to hold all of them together, while simultaneously, trying to find absolution from events the human psyche isn't intended to survive.

[ Again he tapped the ridge of the glass. ]

Have you considered, that it is okay for you to need them? Have you considered that you still need to forgive yourself, before you can ask for Steve's?

[ Now, here came the hard question. ]

Do you want to forgive yourself?
Edited (sorry, extra words bit me in the ass and it was get them down or lose them.) 2018-10-24 03:53 (UTC)

[personal profile] ex_this_ismydesign36 2018-10-24 04:33 am (UTC)(link)
[ The healthy answer was the truth, and Will felt honored that Bucky choose to share it. So much so that while he was not usually a demonstrative man -he'd sat for hours with Jack, but not touching- he reached out and rested his fingers along the wrist of the hand curled around the bottle. Jack had needed persistence, but Bucky needed touch. He needed physical contact, even if he didn't believe himself worthy of it. ]

You don't have too. [ He said softly. ] Not right now, not tomorrow, maybe never, and that's okay James. There are some things in our lives that we shouldn't forgive ourselves for, because they are part of who we are and are set in a past that is inescapable.

[ This would be about the time Hannibal stopped talking, skewing things towards the dark, encouraging his patient to embrace those unforgivable crimes, to enjoy them. Part of Will wonders, as he had with Chiyoh, but he's able to overcome that urge, if only because he was on the lookout for it.

Brushing his thumb lightly along the wrist under his hand, he continued. ]


But what is still within our power to change, is how they define us going forward. You're not the man you were, none of us are not even Steve. Maybe you are ready to let the past stay in the past, and perhaps he isn't. That doesn't have to destroy your friendship, it just means you have to be patient with one another.

Can you be patient with yourself.

[ Because that was an entirely different matter than being patient in a sniper's nest. ]

cw: eye gouging

[personal profile] ex_this_ismydesign36 2018-10-24 05:35 am (UTC)(link)
[ Every small detail is carefully catalogued and inventoried. He should not be able to read the man this well, Barnes did have an admirable amount of control and they had only just met. Yet he'd watched that face, in every intimate moment. Listened to the quick draws of breath, and felt the shift of muscles atop him in those pleasurable moments.

Now he used that as a baseline against the way Bucky's jaw knotted. The way his Adams Apple bobbed with tight swallows and even the small inward pinch of his cheek. He felt the twitch of muscle beneath his thumb, and even the extended quiet told it's story.

When Barnes nodded, Will released a breath he hadn't entirely been aware of holding, and he gripped the man's wrist a little tighter but otherwise didn't press him further. He'd pressed enough for this time and this public place. If the body language hadn't indicated that fact, the question did.

Here, Will drew back a little. He retrieved his hand, moving to close it around the whiskey but carefully not lifting the glass to his lips for a drink. Though he was sorely tempted. He knew what Barnes was doing, because it was a tactic he would have used if their positions were reversed.

There was absolutely no way in hell he was cracking into the can of worms that was his job, when Bucky was this vulnerable. Will didn't need to hear the words, or the promises, or see into the man's soul to understand what had happened in this brief exchange. He could feel it, could almost hear the whispered sound of torn paper, fluttering in the breeze.

But at the same time, he knew he couldn't shut the question down (Barnes was owed some balance here) and nor could he brush it off. However, that didn't mean he couldn't answer it, without answering it. ]


Habit, I suppose. [ He said and that part was full truth. ] Technically my job was instructor at the FBI academy, teaching behavioral profiling of serial killers. But when I did assist the BAU out in the field, I was beholden to strict non-disclosures, as speaking about an open case would jeopardize the chance to catch the killer, and potentially to prosecute.

[ All the genuine, clinical truth. ]

But aside from that ... [ here he paused, weighed his next words and it was Will's turn to fidget as he reached for his glasses and perched them back on his face. ] I wasn't asked to assist in the field until the situation had gotten particularly ugly. Not really the kind of things you want to drag home and talk about in casual or intimate conversation.

[ Not the kind of things you want to talk about at all. Not the kind of things you wanted lodged so deeply into your unstable head that you dreamed about them, woke with the feel of a young girl's neck beneath your hands, or a nurse's eyes popping like overripe grapes beneath your thumbs; the crack of bone and soft squish of brain...

Will discreetly rubbed both of his thumbs against his index fingers as if to rub off the vivid memory of eye viscera and other material off his thumbs. It didn't work and he ended up taking a long draw from his glass of whiskey, unable to stop himself this time.

Setting the almost empty glass down, his eyes darted around Bucky's shoulders, no longer catching and holding his gaze. ]


So yeah, I try to avoid shop talk.
Edited 2018-10-24 05:35 (UTC)

cw: suicidal language

[personal profile] ex_this_ismydesign36 2018-10-24 05:49 pm (UTC)(link)
[ 'I'm sorry'. Bucky might as well have read off a grocery list for all the impact the words made. It wasn't about the words, it was about what lay behind them; what prompted them. That was where Will looked, felt his way through and he almost reached out again to grasp Barnes' hand.

But he didn't. He didn't because it wouldn't be right, it wouldn't be fair. It would be selfish, self-serving and with the echo of Abel Gideon's voice in his head, Will was thrown back to the first meeting between them. Where he'd looked into Barnes' eyes and saw where he could inflict a hell of a lot of damage, if he wasn't careful.

Now, even more so than then, harming this man was the last thing Will wanted. Reaching up to yank his glasses back down off his face (yes they were shields of sort for him) Will rubbed at his eyes with one long fingered hand. He had two choices. Slam the drawbridge up, set the spears along the ramparts and drive Barnes back to a safe distance. Or open a small side door, little more than the bathroom sluice and try honesty.

Perhaps, lucky for Barnes, Will had always been brutally honest. At least when it came to himself and his cargo ship of issues. In the end, he would rather deal with the look of disappointment, disgust on the man's face (seen that look plenty of times) then confusion and hurt.

Bucky had enough confusing men in his life; including the one in the mirror.

Taking his glass up, Will finished it in one shot. ]


Don't be. [ He said softly. ] It's not your responsibility, and I won't have it become such.

Because you have the chance to get out. [ Get away from the darkness, from the destruction of the soul. Bucky might always have scars, he might always have those things he would never forgive himself for, but he hadn't gone to his death in the embrace of that darkness. ] I couldn't save myself, and in the end that was alright because I was still able to do what needed to be done to stop myself.

[ He shared this, not to garner sympathy and the expression on his face said clearly that they weren't going to discuss it in depth. This was only an explanation of why he was trying to protect Bucky from the parts of himself he'd failed to recover. ]

Provided you don't walk out that door and not look back, which I wouldn't blame you if you did, I am telling you this because the answers to your questions, don't mean anything anymore. They're in the past, I can't change them and they are unworthy of explanation.

I didn't make it back from the dark places I was sent. That's why, I see you and see that you still can, and I don't want to jeopardize that by reopening doors you are trying to secure closed.

It would be unnecessarily cruel.

[ Why would he burden this man with all that trauma and abuse, when there was no coming back from it? It would be cruel and three meetings or not, he didn't want that for Bucky. The reason he spoke now, was because he could see the dogged determination in the other man. The more Will tried to avoid, the more Barnes would want to understand, and while it might make Will feel better to be understood, it wouldn't be good for Bucky.

Sitting back, Will gave a sad but genuine little smile and slipped into the dark humor. This he could speak about, as it was amusing rather than dipping into the nightmares. ]


For the record, I never owned a computer of my own, or a television for that matter. But there was this woman, a tabloid journalist who ran a vlog called Tattlecrimes. [ He chuckled, because the name was ridiculous. ] Freddie, and that damn vlog of her's, were a significant pain in my butt.

[personal profile] ex_this_ismydesign36 2018-10-25 04:42 am (UTC)(link)
That is probably profound. If I spoke Russian. [ Will looks genuinely apologetic, but then he sobered.

Will knew that trauma wasn't something you could use as a measuring stick. It was unique to the individual who suffered it, and he would never try to use it as a gauge. In fact, he would be very happy to never speak of what was trapped in his head, so long as it stayed there and didn't come out at inconvenient moments.

But he wanted Bucky to at least be forewarned of what lay beneath the surface.

For now, the smaller man gave one of those quick little half grins, before he leaned forward on the table. ]


Shall I escort you back to your apartment, so you can't have a case of nerves and escape the conversation that's coming? I am ... assuming, those were Steve's shoes I saw the other night?

[personal profile] ex_this_ismydesign36 2018-10-25 05:12 am (UTC)(link)
To me, at least. Though I'm not the best benchmark. [ A small quip towards his talents for observation, before Will is moving out of his chair. There is a soft spoken 'Thank you' when Bucky picks up the tab, but otherwise Will is quiet as they make their way through the saloon and to the door.

He smiles a little when the door gets held open for him, but steps out and waits for Bucky to fall in beside him. Will's hands go into the pockets of his trousers, his head up and simply taking stock -situational awareness- as they walk. The Up is not the Down, but it never hurt to keep an eye out. ]


I've been sitting all day. The walk would do me good. [ Will answers, before it dawns on him that perhaps Barnes would like the out. ] But if you'd rather ...?

[personal profile] ex_this_ismydesign36 2018-10-25 10:44 am (UTC)(link)
I told you, I only work on the difficult profiles. [ The delivery was deadpan, but the look he shared with Barnes was sassy.

It was perhaps a sign of the difference between their times of birth, that Will didn't see this as 'walking home a date'. Though it wasn't dissimilar. From his perspective, it truly was more about helping Bucky stay out of his head; as a man who tended to suffer from the habit.

He hadn't met Steve Rogers and yet there was a part of him that sincerely wanted to see these two men work out some of these obstacles. Not unlike the hours he'd chosen to sit and wait for Jack to talk about Bella's illness. Will didn't make human connections easily, but when he did, he tended to be loyal to them.

Shame those connections hadn't returned the favor.

As they walked, Will began to talk about his job in the Down. Perhaps it was a little like discussing the weather, but the thought behind it was to help both of them ground into the present. Shake free of the dark, steel threads of the past.

He explained about taking a low level job with the Down police force. The NPC Dominant he'd had to work with in order to get the position, though he didn't give many details about that arrangement; just enough to confirm it was not a contract. Then he shared some of the amusing stories from his day. ]


So apparently there's a permit you need to file if you plan to bounce on a trampoline while playing "tag" with a dildo that's longer than twelve inches in length.
Edited 2018-10-25 10:50 (UTC)

[personal profile] ex_this_ismydesign36 2018-10-25 11:08 am (UTC)(link)
[ Will had been more concerned over the fact that there were dildos of a length that required these permits! He was surprised to learn that Bucky had taken a similar position with the Up's police department and initially asked a barrage of questions that lead to one of those personal revelations.

A little personal detail they had bypassed the other night when falling into bed together. Bucky learned that Will had started out his working life as a homicide detective with the New Orleans Police Department. He also learned that Will had been 'retired' from the position due to his inability to pull the trigger while on duty.

But at least one of the scars decorating his right shoulder was explained in the recall of events. ]


No kinky stuff out in public. [ Will 'scolded' primly, with a light tap of his fingers to the presented wrists. ] And it's just Mr. Graham, not officer, I'm listed as 'help staff' on all the paperwork.

[ He knows because a lot of his day is spent doing paperwork. Not that he is going to complain. It was a job, it made him some money and kept him from climbing the walls of his apartment building.

[personal profile] ex_this_ismydesign36 2018-10-25 12:03 pm (UTC)(link)
[ There was definitely a heavy irony to the situation. Though Will would argue that there was a difference (at least in the beginning) between a man pulling the trigger as part of his country's war effort, and what Will had done. Though that really wouldn't impact much on the Winter Soldier years.

As for the here and the now. Will gave a small shrug of his shoulders, a genuine gesture without any hint of irony. ]


Titles never matter much to me. [ He admitted. ] People would sometimes ask about the difference between 'Special Investigator' and 'FBI Agent', got to be more of a nuisance than anything. I know what I do and I know what I can do, that's all that has ever mattered to me. [ The paycheck was nice though and after a brief pause, Will does have to acknowledge this fact. ] I'd rather have your paycheck.

[ Seriously. The whiskey in the Down was awful!

Bucky segues into the next, obvious question, and the way his gut clenches and the muscles along his back and shoulder tighten, surprises Will. He knows it's a sign of just how utterly he'd been trying to avoid even thinking about that particular eventuality. The fact that he was going to be forced to contract with someone.

Too many shades of his time in the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane. Under Chilton's thumb. Or for that matter, even a step back, when he'd been under Hannibal's thumb. ]


Can't say I've been looking. [ Will admitted, after what was probably an awkward pause as he stroked back to equilibrium. ] I suppose I'll figure something out, before the witching hour.

[personal profile] ex_this_ismydesign36 2018-10-25 01:05 pm (UTC)(link)
[ It does hang in the air between them, the elephant that just crept up behind them.

Back at that first meeting, Will had meant to protect Bucky from himself. After their night together, after seeing further beneath the surface to the man within, and also after seeing the chaos Barnes already navigated, Will's position on the subject was changing. Enough that he could see himself asking, and is even now starting to compile a mental case for why it could work, without interfering with the tangled web that was Steve, Jack and TJ.

But the thoughts were still half formed, not ready for open discussion yet, and Bucky really needed to focus on Steve and that relationship first and foremost. At least for tonight.

As they stop in front of the building and it's time for the awkward pause, Will makes a show of glancing around, before he turns back. His hands are in the pockets of his trousers, removing the expectation of hugs or some other type of typical evening wrap up. But he does wear that small smile of his, to help make it clear that he enjoyed the drink, and if not the topics in the bar, the conversation on the walk home. ]


Maybe you should stop stalling? [ He said and didn't try to hide his pointed tone. Then ... on a whim, on one of those gut check, instinctive jumps of logic he was known for, Will added. ]

See if you can't sort something out, so if I get in trouble at the end of the next six weeks, I have somewhere to turn.

[personal profile] ex_this_ismydesign36 2018-10-26 01:55 am (UTC)(link)
Hundred percent closure rate. [ Will responded, with a quick grin and even a duck of his eyes and blush on his cheek that suggested he was not a man who ever took credit for his accomplishments. As a rule he wasn't and had even scolded his class at the academy when they had applauded his efforts with Hobbs.

But Barnes was so far out of Will's league, Rogers even further, and Will felt the need to grasp at the rare accomplishment. It was a sad, tattered feather compared to the others, but a little peacocking all the same.

After all, that was what you did when he held a small hope of being invited back for another encounter. Actually, when he'd come out for the drink Will had wondered if just maybe he would be going home with Bucky tonight. But no. No not tonight.

He was already starting to move back and away, getting his bearings and then half turned back to nod his understanding of the timeline. Also to duck his head in gratitude that Bucky hadn't immediately shut him down. ]


Call it five.

Have a good night, Bucky.

Post Steve's Texting

[personal profile] ex_this_ismydesign36 2018-10-27 05:09 am (UTC)(link)
[ Regardless of whatever Steve decides, Bucky is getting a little gift delivered to his apartment.

It is tattered, definitely second (hell probably eighth handed down) and has been stitched here and there. The left wing is missing, but a pen cap has been carefully stitched in its place, using the tie methods of a fly for fly fishing.

On top is a torn piece of paper with a hand written note. ]


"Plucky Ducky, Bucky"

I heard he was the next gen model.

-wg


Pluck Ducky, Bucky

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